Thursday, July 14, 2011

Last year's winners

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

---- Mark Twain

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their

collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school

essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of

teachers across the country. Here are last year's "winners".

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two

sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking

alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,

like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without

one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the

country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a

solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was

room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog

makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated

because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a

surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way

a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag

filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an

eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city

and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced

across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one

having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from

Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket

fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds

who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she

was the East River .

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,

only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike

Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,

either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on

a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one

slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around

with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard

bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fruit Cake Recipe

FRUIT CAKE RECIPE - Guaranteed to put you in the holiday spirit.
.by Kenneth Chernow on Sunday, December 19, 2010 at 5:40pm.You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four

large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup

of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of rum.

Sample the rum and check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the rum again. To be sure it is the

highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the

electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add

one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the rum is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the

mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of

dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the

beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the rum and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups

of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum. Now sift the

lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of

something. Whatever you find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to

beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the

rum again and go to bed.